Cash for Condiments
Like most people I have had some unique issues and challenges thanks to the pandemic. It has affected all of us in unique ways. Some have pivoted, some have acclimated. We all have our own styles and solutions.
My primary crisis is basically of condimental proportions. Truth be told, I live and work in a home office environment. I have numerous employees and for close to 20 years or so, delivery or carry out was the norm. As a result, my place, like many has built an impressive collection of condiments. I am not referring to amateurs with a token ketchup or mustard.
I am speaking hard core. Napkins, plastic cutlery, single and three pack mind you. Even the occasional spork. If you do not know what a spork is, shame on you.
Now for the actual edibles. We are not just talking the holy trinity of Ketchup, mustard, and relish. “Just to name drop”, a few catsups as well. I could go on and on, Horsey sauce, BBQ, soy sauce, Chinese mustard in more colors and tones then the next election will have political parties. Suffice it to say, we are professional eaters and we got it, we are strapped. Did I mention tartar sauce, salt and pepper and do not even start with my hot sauces.
I often compare myself to Joe Walsh, “Life’s been good to me so far”
Then came Covid-19, my staff went remote. I work primarily alone, and I have a real serious problem. My supply of condiments is dwindling away.
I remember the good old days, Taco Bell Verde Salsa on my Big Mac, done deal, spilled some, grab a Burger King Napkin. That is bad ass.
Squeeze some Arby’s Horsey Sauce on my White Castle Fish Sandwich. “Who’s your Daddy?”
I am worried. I started my condimental life as a child and my mother always had the goods in the fridge. Then my youth, I had endless drive through windows to support my habit. Then in my mature stage of course it became a work perk.
I kept going back and forth, do I start a Go Fund Me Campaign?
Then I thought maybe a live aid show like they did for Africa “We are the World.”
I woke up, I must man up. Go to the store and pay cash for condiments. I think I had it in me, I once bought tampons for my ex. I could do this.
One little problem popped up I should mention. I am a member of a couple foodie groups on Facebook. One is for Chicago Hot Dog connoisseurs. There are 4629 members, and they treat ketchup like a fossil fuel. I play along, I do not use ketchup on my hot dogs, but it is required on my fries. These members as do many Chicagoan’s really go overboard on this issue.
Going out and losing my cash for condiment virginity is one thing. Getting outed for buying ketchup would tarnish my reputation amongst 4629 people I never met.
I devise a plan. I discover the Evanston Jewel on Howard is still 24/7. I depart work at 500am, I got my mask, and I am undercover brother. I navigate to the condiment aisle and I am in shock.
Gluten free ketchup, low sugar ketchup, kosher ketchup, organic ketchup, 20–30 different sizes, flavors, styles it was crazy.
Then I found it, it stood out like a beacon of light. 78 Brand spicy ketchup.It is ketchup but it is spicy, 2 condiments in one. I scored. I found a bi-sexual condiment. My LMNOP friends would be so proud if I ever admitted my secret.
